oh gosh ... first real blog post.. gulp...
anyway hello again! i redid the layout of this page to make it look much more futuristic/cyberpunky in color and i'm very happy with it. sorry if you find the colors of the textboxes to be obnoxious, i completely meant for them to be! :D i think it evokes such a lovely old internet kind of feeling and man i am so so proud of it. i've been putting a lot of time and effort into my website and i'm really pleased with it. i'm very passionate about getting off my phone more, and about fun, safe spaces on the internet being more common. i love the neocities idea (shoutout payton the goat for putting me on) because it makes everything feel fun again? i feel like a kid playing around on boredbutton.com with my eyes glazing over looking at all the cool websites. honestly, it's been sort of inner child healing making my website as a part of moving away from my phone.

i'm broadly trying to use more single-purpose devices, which in turn, means that i have things now that my childhood self would have been completely jealous of! i recently purchased an ipod classic 5th gen, and modding it/playing music on it has been SO FUN. i had a hand-me-down purple ipod nano when i was younger and it was great but it had all my dad's music on it (nickelback, derogatory) and i didn't have money to download my own songs, not was i savvy enough to ummm.... download them from somewhere else.... in a normal and legal way (which is exactly not what i'm doing now. i am a Law Abiding Citizen and i think it's fine that everything is behind a subscription. i think it's fine that i don't own anything i love, i pay for a license and then it can be revoked if they so please. monopoly is a great game. it doesn't bother me at all.....) so i was pretty much stuck with whatever he had. but now with Adult Powers i get to put all my own music on MY ipod! because i have one now! it has abba and ethel cain and nine inch nails and arctic monkeys and i can mod the body of it so it can hold a billion songs and look pretty and AHHHH! i am so excited! i've been checking books out from the library instead of using the kindle app on my phone, i've been watching movies a lot more lately as opposed to youtube videos (still love them though ❤) and i've been trying to more comfortable sitting in silence, or listening to the birds sing.

i'm doing better, i think. i haven't been very well for a while if i'm being honest, and i don't really advertise that fact. i think i just don't want to bother any of my friends, and i feel like sometimes with some people it's the whole "would we even talk if i didn't text you first?" kind of thing. i don't feel very important in most of my friend's lives, and maybe i don't need to be. maybe i should be putting more time into being important to myself instead of worrying to death about what everyone in the whole world thinks of me. but it still weighs on me every day.
"why am i not enough?"
"why am i too much?"
how do i feel both of those things? stupid. doesn't even make any sense. but i started therapy recently, which has been really helpful in allowing me to be kinder to myself. maybe i'll get to that stuff next time. i also had a psychiatrist evaluation scheduled for some time in september, but there was a cancellation so i was moved up to tomorrow at 11am! nerve wracking for sure, and even though i am confident in myself and what i've been through, saying on the internet "yeah i'm gonna get on Medications for my Mental Illnesses" is .. remarkably daunting. my therapist says that i need to validate myself and that part of that process is giving myself the permission to validate myself. maybe someday!

on another note, i'm watching the star wars movies for the first time with joel, and it's been fun but oh my god. last night we watched episode II, and that was a really solid two star film. pissed me OFFFFF! made a crazy yummy spam musubi bake and even that couldn't distract me from the horrors of sex pest anakin skywalker. EEUGHHH!!! get him away from me!

i think that's enough for today. i'm a little nauseous (being vulnerable does that to me oopsies) and i'd like to lay down a bit, maybe make something to eat and read for a little while. thank you for reading! i think i should have a signature sign-off to say bye with! hmm... how about this?

hello world! or i guess i should say, dear diary? since that's .. kinda the whole thing. i am so looking forward to writing on here, if i can get past the mental block of "no one wants to hear about you!!!" and post something that is not Just to be read by others, but also to be written by me.

sounds a lot easier than it is, but i need to be okay with the fact that not everybody broadly cares about everything. my friends care about me, and if they are not refreshing my webpage waiting anxiously for an updated blog post, that doesn't mean they don't care! maybe i think too much!

anyway, thank you for being here, thank you for taking the time to read anything i write here, and thanks for being a friend! i'll probably post something else soon, i hope. i think i'll do a little somethin-somethin to see if i can get a hang of writing aboout myself and my life more. i think this website will be very fun to look at in a few years, and relive all my adventures!